Learning to stay flexible
“And then fear set in.”
This was the key passage from Barbara’s story, the subject of our last newsletter.
After sending it to you, I reread it a few times because I wanted to create an audio version. You can find it on my website.
But as I reread it, I wondered how that sentence might have resonated with you.
Did it strike a chord within you?
What memories did it bring back?
Did it bring certain feelings to the surface?
If so, that’s great!
We’re all too used to thinking of fear as a negative emotion.
Or rather, as the consequence we perceive of a negative event.
But that’s not necessarily the case; fear is also linked to states of extreme adrenaline, to hugely exciting situations.
Let’s take the example of a wedding: in my 30 years of experience, I have worked with couples planning their wedding. The preparation phase, the anticipation and the organisation of such an important, long-awaited and eagerly anticipated day caused them to feel overwhelmed.
Precisely because their enthusiasm was overwhelming, instead of benefiting them in a positive way, it triggered an unmanageable emotional short-circuit. It wasn’t the fear of making the wrong choice but that of fulfilling a great desire!
What happens inside us when we experience fear?
We experience physical, tangible sensations.
And very often we feel unwell.
But we feel unwell because we go through those situations carrying a greater weight and tension within us. We don’t allow ourselves to be flexible because we’re not used to feeling certain sensations. The ones that make our knees tremble, the ones that leave us with a knot in our stomach, make our hands go cold and our cheeks flush.
This unease stems from the fact that we block out certain sensations and tend to tense up.
Fear, therefore, is not necessarily the problem.
The problem is what we do when it arises.
If we try to hold it back, control it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, we do so by reacting physically. We stiffen up. We lose our flexibility. We expend energy trying to defend ourselves against something that is never a threat but an experience to be lived through. Indeed, in the event of danger, it warns us and makes us react appropriately.
That is why I always find it interesting to observe how people describe their fear. This usually happens during the so-called foot assessment, the study of the soles of the feet.
For some, it is a weight on the chest.
For others, a lump in the throat.
For others still, a tension that always appears in the same part of the body.
So the question is not: ‘How can I stop being afraid?’
Perhaps the question is: ‘How can I feel the fear in my body without freezing up?’
Next time you feel it coming on, try to notice where you feel the tension, how you tense up.
You’ll sense that something is happening inside you, in your body, and that’s where you can start to learn.
Book a session with me if you want to teach your body to let go of fear